Those who know me well, know that I am Depressed. Clinically diagnosed. On medication. The whole schmiel. This can sometime lead to strange thoughts and tangents.
Driving home from work today, I was listening to the news on NPR. They were talking about the economy, the recent bailouts, the free fall the market seems to be in, politics; the usual stuff. My mind just wandered away from me. I started to stress because everything was spinning out of control. I know there is no way I could anything that is happening in the world today. I have no control over the stock market, or the financial industry, deregulation, government, politics. None of it.
The thoughts just kept running. I was stuck in traffic, not going anywhere, so wasn’t able to distract myself. I even changed the radio station trying to distract myself. Couldn’t get mind mind off track.
I started thinking about what would happen to the economy. What would happen if I lost my job? How would I pay my bills? I’m barely paying them now. How could I even consider bringing a child into such an uncertain world? A child is a very dear dream of mine. Every fiber of my soul wants a child. Someone I can teach, mold, help grow into a good person. Someone that would be able to help make the world a better place. Will I be able to retire before I’m 80?
I had almost convince myself that it wasn’t worth it. None of it. I was just digging myself deeper into that dark place in my mind that I am trying to very very hard to stay out of. It is a very scary place that is hard to get out. There is all the pull of a whirlpool along with the feeling of drowning. After awhile you just want to give in and sink down to the bottom.
I’m working my way out of it. Slowly. I made mind stop going where it was. I realized that I am starting get control of those things that are within my sphere of influence. I am telling myself I can’t worry so much about things that are not in my control, and to make a difference in the ways that I can.
I’m working on it. It’s slow. It’s a trip of ups and downs. Right now, I’m in a bit of a down period. But I am going to start clawing my way out again.
I have to.
It helps that when I got home, my Saidy was there. She reminded me why I need to get out of the whirlpool. I think I’m just going to sit down, have a good, cathartic cry, and hug my dog.
